Never Be The Same Again
by romanticidiot
Summary: For Hannah. Slash. SiriusRemus. One shot. When Remus breaks up with his boyfriend, it falls to Sirius to comfort him once again ... Oh and Sirius spouts a lot of pyschobabble


DISCLAIMER: The idea is only kind of mine and the boys are not. It's kinda depressing when you look at it like that … 

**WARNING:** Yet another slash offering from me. Keyword: Slash.

NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN 

**By**

**LizzY Tears**

**0000**

Sirius winced as he heard the door slam closed, the force of it shaking the portraits and ornaments on the mantelpiece. He sighed and closed his Quidditch book, stretching his legs before lurching to his feet and moving silently towards the kitchen. The spell already on the tip of his tongue, he muttered it the moment he reached the doorway and held his hands out as the two mugs and the teapot sailed towards him. He caught them easily and then began the short trek up the stairs to Remus's bedroom.

He cracked open the heavy door and peeked inside. He was, of course, barely able to see anything because the curtains were drawn across and even the tiny rays of reflected light from the small Sneakoscopes and other wizarding paraphernalia were blacked out or frightened into submission. Sirius rolled his eyes and sighed inwardly again. Sometimes he really hated that man. In fact, a lot of the time he hated that man. He hated that man for many reasons. These included the fact that Remus loved that man, that that man hurt Remus at least once every two days, and that Sirius just plain didn't like him. Because Remus loved him, but he didn't like to admit that to himself very often.

His eyes automatically sought out the form he knew was lying on the bed cursing and probably crying, too. He found it after a moment, and then closed the door behind him as he sidled gingerly into the room with the steaming teapot. He hated this bit. The first, awkward silence when Remus was trying to pretend he wasn't crying and Sirius was thinking of a witty, caring comment to break the ice.

"I'm going to kill him this time, Remus, I really am." Probably wasn't the best thing he could have said.

Remus didn't answer for a moment.

"I hate tea." He said finally.

"That's alright, I don't." Sirius said cheerfully, glad his foot-in-mouth problem had gone unmentioned. "And I spend as much time as you drinking it, so I think I'm entitled to choose what I bring up here."

"Shut up." Remus told him sulkily, knowing he was right. "And don't worry, this is the last time you're going to have to bring me tea." He paused for dramatic effect. "Ruben and I are over."

Sirius didn't say anything.

"We are!" Remus insisted. "This time we really are. It was messy, it was gruesome, it was painful … but it's over."

There appeared to be a destitute note of finality in Remus' tone and Sirius found that he believed the boy after all.

"Oh, Remus." He said tenderly, setting the tea tray down on the floor and sinking onto the bed next to his friend. "It's alright." He gently let his hand float out and brush back the silky blond hair on the heartbroken boy's head.

He felt the heavy sigh from the body next to him and instinctively moved closer, as though to transfuse comfort to Remus through touch.

"It doesn't feel alright." Remus said into the pillow. "It feels like I'm dying. It feels like some bastard ripped my heart out, shredded it, threw it to the floor and ground it beneath his foot while pouring salt into the gaping wound. _That's_ what it feels like."

Sirius blinked at the avid description and then sighed.

"It will get better." He said softly. "I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will."

"I don't want to hear that." Remus told him tartly. "I already know that hypothetically. But you try telling that to your heart when your heart thinks the world is coming to an end."

"Pass, if it's all the same to you." Sirius said and then there was a silence while Sirius absently stroked Remus's forehead.

"I hate him." Remus choked out finally.

"I don't think you should hate him." Sirius said. "In fact, I don't think you hate him at all. I think that it's just too painful to keep loving him, so you're trying to make yourself hate him instead."

"Don't start with that physchobbable!" Remus spat out. "I want you to agree with me that he's dirt and tell me how you want to rip him limb from limb."

"If you only want me to say what you want to hear," Sirius said, "Then you don't really need me here at all and I'll take my pot of tea and go."

But he didn't move and Remus reached out an arm and put a warm hand on his wrist.

"I'm sorry, Sirius." He said softly. "I shouldn't take it out on you. I do want to hear what you have to say."

"Look, Remus." Sirius said, wrapping his hand around the wrist of the other boy. "I know it's hard. I bet it feels like the whole world should stop because it's over. I bet you feel like you're trapped in your body because you just have so much emotion running through it and you don't want to contain it. I bet you want to crawl into a corner and just die because you can't stop the tears and the pain. But you can't. Thing is, Remus, the world does keep on turning. Just because bloody Ruben doesn't love you anymore, doesn't mean that nobody else does.

All loves are a learning, I tell you that all the time. Our lovers are our greatest teachers. When it's not so painful, you'll be able to see how much he has taught you. I can see changes in you from Ruben and while some of them aren't the best changes, you'll find that you wouldn't be the same person you are now without him."

"He hasn't taught me anything." Remus said bitterly. "Except that you should never fall in love."

"Rubbish." Sirius spat back. "You know that's rubbish. More than once you have professed yourself to be a hopeless romantic, and this is not going to change that."

"I want him to die." Remus said vehemently. "I want him to hurt like I'm hurting. I bet he's not. I bet he's having drinks with someone right now and not thinking about me or hurting at all. I bet he thinks it was all a joke and that it never meant anything. I bet his friends are poisoning his mind and telling him that I was a mistake, that I was never good enough for him and that I manipulated him into everything."

"You didn't, though." Sirius said, surprised.

"No, I know I didn't." Remus told him sadly. "I don't think like that. I mean, I'm not an angel and I'm not perfect, but I just _don't_ set out to manipulate people. He does, he does it all the time. He always used to go on about how he hated being manipulated, and then he would do it to me all the time!"

"That's not a good thing." Sirius stated unnecessarily. "You and I both know that was a very unhealthy relationship."

"Yes, it was." Remus acknowledged. "But it was my relationship, and by gods I loved him. I suppose I still do at the moment, but … why does it hurt this much, Sirius?"

Remus looked up at him with big, tearfilled eyes that were just screaming pain and Sirius found he had to look away.

"Because that's love and that's life, mate." He said softly, placing his hand on his friend's back. "We learn and grow through our pain."

"You never stop with the pyschobabble, do you?" Remus frowned.

"How can I stop with what I believe is the absolute truth?" Sirius wanted to know. "I've been through pain in my life, too, you know that. It has all shown me so much. Everything happens for a reason, all loves are a learning, be true to yourself … these things make up the world."

Remus stared at him for a long moment, before he sighed again and let his head drop onto their joined hands.

"I wish I could believe that." He said. "Maybe it would make it easier."

"It doesn't." Sirius advised him. "It just means that you know that all the pain is for a reason."

They stayed that way for an even longer moment than before. Then Remus lifted his head and let his arms wrap around Sirius's waist, taking comfort in the familiar steadfast warmth.

Sirius closed his eyes at the sudden touch and tried not to feel too much. For so long he had wanted to feel those arms around him, and even now when it was just for the purpose of comfort, it felt wonderful and he could not help savour it. It wasn't right to be wanting someone who was still in love with another man, but Sirius couldn't help it. He wanted Remus, and he wanted him badly.

"Sirius," Remus muttered against his navel and Sirius controlled his breathing with effort. "Do you believe in love after love?"

Sirius blinked at the sudden question, but considered the answer carefully.

"Yes, I think so." He said. "It would depend what kind of love."

"Well," Remus said, sitting up. "If it was like what I felt for Ruben."

"Ah, well…" Sirius said uncomfortably. "The thing is … I don't think that what you felt for Ruben was … love."

Remus blinked in surprise.

"What?"

"I mean," Sirius said hastily. "There are three kinds of love. There is love of the mind, love of the flesh and love of the soul. I think you and Ruben shared love of the flesh. I don't mean that there was just physical attraction, but I think there was a good share of obsession with each other. I don't think it was love."

Remus thought about it carefully for a moment.

"Maybe you're right." He said slowly. "Maybe I was in love with an idea … maybe what I felt wasn't what I thought I felt."

He looked at Sirius.

"Especially when I think of how I feel for other people."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked.

"Well … even when I was with Ruben, it always felt different to what I felt for someone else and I never could decide which was love. Maybe I just thought Ruben's was love because he was accessible and convenient because he wanted to be with me, too."

"Maybe." Sirius echoed and there followed an awkward silence. Then Remus rocked forward on the bed and Sirius suddenly found warm lips pressing at his own. He reacted on instinct, opening his lips and finding Remus's own. He was shocked, to be sure, but this was his heaven.

For so long he had imagined what it would be like to have Remus kiss him, to have his arms around him and his hands in his hair. He was torn between wanting the moment to last forever and feeling so terribly wrong about kissing Remus when he was so obviously confused. He regretfully pulled away, trying to save his dignity and his state of mind.

"Remus!" He whispered. "What-?"

"I don't have to hide it now." Remus told him, looking at his hands. "I'm not with Ruben so I'm allowed to feel what I feel for you. I know it looks like I'm on the rebound and I'm just using you, but … gods, since Hogwarts, Sirius, all I've wanted is you! Even when Ruben was holding me, sometimes I would imagine it was you. And I'm sorry for springing it on you so suddenly, I know I should have sort of introduced the idea slowly, but I just couldn't stand having you so near and not … not touch you."

He was speaking very quickly, keeping his head down as he fidgeted desperately with his hands.

"And I don't know why I thought you would feel the same, but I did and I'm sorry, 'cos oh look, I've just ruined our friendship and things are never going to be the same. I'm sorry, I never wanted to lose you, and now I've taken things too far and you're going to slip away and it's my fault and I'm an idiot and – feel free to interrupt me at any time …" His voice faded away and he brought his eyes up to meet Sirius's for just a hasty moment before they dropped back down to his hands.

"You're right." Sirius said in the following silence, his voice deep. "Things can never be the same again."

Remus looked up with terrified eyes and Sirius could take it no longer. He leant forward and gently pushed Remus down into the black bed.

"I don't want things to be the same again." He said softly. "Ever."

Remus's eyes fluttered closed as Sirius gently leant forward and captured those forbidden lips with his own.

"I do believe in love after love." Remus whispered. "And this one is love of the soul, I know it."

"So do I." Sirius repeated. "So do I."

AUTHOR'S NOTE 

Just for Hannah because some bathplug broke her heart and this is intended to make her feel better. Because there is love after love, all loves are a learning and everything does happen for a reason. The hurt will always hurt, but it helps just a tiny bit to know that there is a reason for it. And if you open your eyes and your mind to the possibility of lessons being learned, you'll find how much easier life is to live. At least, I have. Because the world will always keep spinning and there is always a way out, you are never on your own and things won't always be this bad!

Love forever,

LizzY


End file.
